The week from hell.

I've had the worst week imaginable. There are certain things you never want to hear when you're working with Children and i'm pretty sure I've heard every one of them this week. For legal reasons I can't go into detail here , or with anyone really and that really eats me up inside. Its just one of those things you want to tell people and it it off your chest but you know you can't. And its just eating me from the inside out. in my four years at this job I haven't heard anything remotely like what i heard this week. Its tough. I'm nineteen years old with all this responsibility and i really have to strive to prove myself. Being a perfectionist is stressful. I am not complaining about my job. I love my job I just dislike the circumstances under which I had to work this week, and My relaxing weekend isn't really working out to be all that relaxing at all. I really cant wait to get back to school. At least I know I'm good at school and I only have myself to please or displease. At work there are just so many people breathing down my neck and depending on me. Its crazy. I love it but its getting to me a little. Thankfully I have wednesday off and I decided to take thursday morning off as well. I'm gonna go out wednesday night after the regatta and have a good time. I need to just stop thinking about work and the other stresser in my life just for a lil while and focus on having a good time. not thinking about what I have to do tomorrow at work .
Besides work there really isn't much else for me to talk about. As you have probably gathered it almost consumes my life. the only other tidbit I can think to mention is that painted my room really bnright pink this week, thats pretty hardcore. So i'm off to find something to do. A word to the wise: Redbull before bed is never a good idea.

Peace and Blessings

Remember when..

I used to use this blog thing to talk about how insanely happy I was and how I had not a care in the world.. *sigh* how those were the days.. I talked, earlier in a BK journal entry, about how i didn't understand how I could be so drastically different from high school and still feel like the exact same person. In high school I felt ingnored and rejected from most people, aside from my small group of friends, now its like everyone has some use for me and needs me to be there for them right now. I have so many people pulling me in so many different directions all the time and I really have no idea which way to go. I'm begining to think most of my goals I have set for my sel, i'm not going to be able to obtain. So what do I do? The easiest way is not always the best way, I know, but is it ok for me to take the easy way out once in my life? just not prevent myself from further complicating my situations. Just go with the flow and hope everything works out? or should I continue to fight for what I truly want like I always do and most likely end up disappointed and hurt? I know I'm strong. I am a very strong person. I never would have gotten through half of the things I did without being strong, but it was only one straw that broke the camels back, right? how do I know it won't be the next one that does it for me? Life really terrifys me. Why is life so full of impossible questions... "whats the meaning of life?".." Why don't you love me anymore?"

Peace and Blessings

Changes

I'm not suposed to be scared of anything, but I don't know where I am
I wish that I could move but I'm exhausted and nobody understands
(how I feel) I'm trying hard to breathe now but there's no air in my lungs
There's no one here to talk to and the pain inside is making me numb
I try to hold this Under control They can't help me 'Cause no one knows
Now I'm going through changes, changes God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me Now I'm going through changes, changes
I'm feeling weak and weary walking through this world alone
Everything you say, every word of it, cuts me to the bone
I've got something to say, but now I've got no where to turn
It feel like I've been buried underneath all the weight of the world
I try to hold this Under control They can't help me 'Cause no one knows
Now I'm going through changes, changes God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me Now I'm going through changes, changes
I'm blind and shakin'Bound and breaking
I hope I make it through all these changes
Now I'm going through changes, changes God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm falling apart, now I feel it Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately When I get suffocated,
I hate this But I'm going through changes, changes

Exasperated. Yeah thats right, Aaron.

It takes so much out of me just to be me. My job is awesome but I constantly worry about work. All of the time. If you hadn't noticed I just can't leave work at work at all. And then I have all of these people who want so much from me. So much that I just can't give right now. I've spent the last 5 years of my life constantly worried about another person, is it really so much to ask to want to focus on me for a little while?
This being alone thing is so new to me. It really is. I just don't know how to deal with it and its really taking a lot out of me. I've been seeing someone since right afer boys stopped being gross and now i'm alone for the very first time. Its a scary world to face alone. Its a good thing that I'm doing it because it really is something that everyone should experience, but how much can i take before i crumple and have no one to lean on. its all so very confusing to me. I just wish I knew what I wanted so i could please people and start being me again. I haven't felt like myself in months. I just wish i could get away from everything for awhile. go do something fun and exciting. I'm just feeling so much pressure from everyone. I feel like i'm letting people down and disappointing everyone. I miss the happy hyper Rhonda too but she's scared to come out and get hurt again I think ... *sigh*

*sings*

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony this life
Trying to make ends meet, you're a slave to the money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet, yeah
No change, I can't change, I can't change, I can't change, but I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold But I'm a million different people from one day to the next
I can't change my mold, no, no, no, no, no
Well, I've never prayed, But tonight I'm on my knees, yeahI
need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah I let the melody shine,
let it cleanse my mind , I feel free now But the airwaves are clean
and there's nobody singing to me now
No change, I can't change, I can't change, I can't change,
but I'm here in my mold , I am here with my mold

Just a quote..

..a friend of mine had on their AOL away message. Thought I'd post it.

Just when you think you have life all figured out, something or someone comes along and turns it upside down. you cant ignore it, even if its just this feeling. if u try to it will eat away at everything you hold dear to you. you have to face it head on, dont run from it. embrace feelings that scare you and never forget your prolly not the only one who is scared....

Blast from the past.

So here I was reading through some of my old stuff on blue Kaffee and I find a post I made back in february on a serisou discussion topis on "are you truly happy".. this is what I had to say

oddly enough i am perfectly happy. For the first time , in a long time, i feel like i am in control of my own destiny. I am thinking and acting solely for myself, I know that sounds selfish , but for me its a rare occurance. I find myself constantly smiling about nothing and have discovered a new confidence i didn't even know i had. I have the most wonderful boyfriend i could ever ask for who loves me and makes sure everyday he tells me just how amazing he thinks i am and how beautiful I am. I have the most wonderful friends a girl could ask for.. who see my faults and accept them and love me anyway. My family are absolutely amazing as of late and are being really supportive of the decisions i have made over the past few months. Yep life is incredible :)

So its amazing how things change so fast huh? not that i'm not really happy, just that i'm not near as happy as i was nor could be.

So I had a pretty crappy week. I got next to no work donw this week due to some unfortunate events that happened during the week that placed me under a pile of paper work. On the whole though work has been going good, been questioning my leadership capablities though. I hope i'm doing a good job .. :(.

I saw willy wonka last night. I have to say I really liked it. It was excellent. I went with jason :) it was good times. I'm going out to supper with the girls tonight. that should be great. Love my girls. I can always rely on them to make me happy :) Anyway i'm out

Peace and Blessings

THIS is a song I wrote myself

The letter from you to me

Dear Past love
I’m just writing to say
Its time for you to get over me
I never really loved you anyway
However
I didn’t mean to cause you pain
I didn’t mean for it to hurt
It was all a joke
I didn’t think it would bother you
To feel your heart so broke

Because you won’t tell me
I’m writing a letter from you
I need to know now baby
If anything you said was true
I told you there wasn’t
Much more pain I could take
Did you think it wouldn’t hurt
When you made my heart break?

I know I said I loved you
It was just for fun
How else could I convince you
That you might have been the one?
I told you that your beauty
Could never even compare
Ok so I made that up
I barely even noticed you there

Because you won’t tell me
I’m writing a letter from you
I need to know now baby
If anything you said was true
I told you there wasn’t
Much more pain I could take
Did you think it wouldn’t hurt
When you made my heart break?

So I’m sorry I felt nothing
And made you feel it all
It was my plan all long
To make you trip and fall
You’re a nice girl
You’re funny you make me laugh
But that’s too bad
Regards, The Lover From The Past

Because you won’t tell me
I’m writing a letter from you
I need to know now baby
If anything you said was true
I told you there wasn’t
Much more pain I could take
Did you think it wouldn’t hurt
When you made my heart break?

Did you think it wouldn’t hurt
When you made my Heart break?

And the beat goes on..

"Missing Me"

I love the way it feels when you touch my hand

Don't wanna let you go

I love the way you say that I am the one

Don't understand why we can't go on and go on

Don't understand why

You don't belong in my arms

Ohh

And even if I cried a thousand tears tonight

Would you come back to me

And even if I walked on the water

Would you come out to sea

Now I can't spend my life standing by

Cause even when I miss you

You're still not missing me

It's funny how my heart just won't let it go

I just don't understand

It's crazy how the pain seems to overflow

The memories of you here with me by my side

I can't deny that you are the love of my life

OhhAnd even if I cried a thousand tears tonight

Would you come back to me

And even if I walked on the water

Would you come out to sea

Now I can't spend my life standing by

Cause even when I miss you

You're still not missing me

And I still cry for you

And I would die for you

I can't believe all the words I heard you say

And I still long for you

And I was strong for you

I can't believe that you'd throw it all away

I still cry for youI would die for you

I can't believe all the words I heard you say

I still long for youI was strong for you

I can't believe that you'd throw it all away

And even if I cried a thousand tears tonight

Would you come back to me

And even if I walked on the water

Would you come out to sea

Now I can't spend my life standing by

Cause even when I miss you

You're still not missing me

I still cry for you

I would die for you

I can't believe all the words I heard you say

I still long for youI was strong for you

I can't believe that you'd throw it all away

Now I can't spend my life standing by

Cause even when I miss you

You're still not missing me

*le sigh* someone comment to cheer me up

My week with Connor

So Connor went home yesterday :( I'm going to miss him soo much. I love that kid. He came to work with me on friday and he had soo much fun. Sitting by me on the bus he told all about what he was gonna do with me next time i went to Boston.. take me to the zoo, back to the aquarium to see the SHARKS, to six flags and of course he said shopping for shoes. We went out for chinese food on friday night too. We had an amazing time. Then yesterday morning he called me. He told me he was going to miss me and i told hm i would miss him more. then we started to argue which ended up with him threatening to come over and squat me. He asked me if I could mail myself to Boston :( I promised him though i;d be down by the time he was 8 ( that makes me 21 ;) ) Anyway I'm getting yelled at to go get a shower now so i'll update about the rest of my week later.

A bit of a long winded one tonight..

So a lot has happened in the last week. Its been pretty freaking awesome overall.

First off camp started and its been going really really well. A few minor hitches but i mean thats to be expected when running any buisness. The kids are enjoying it, the parents are pleased and my programming has been running smoothly. I haven't been getting to go as many places with the kids, but thats ok because i really enjoy the people i work with, so when the kids are gone i get to talk to Brenda or Nicole usually and they're cool chicks. PJ was right this job is awesome. Wow, I'm talking about my job lately as much as I used to talk about Ricardo before. Haha BUt i get money for this so its better :-P Sorry!

So also my family from Boston came on thursday. I got to see my little man on friday (Conner) God I love that kid. He's just soo amazing and soo smart. I've never met a kid so smart in my life. He was over tonight and we watched Gargoyles! he was telling me all this stuff about why people had gargoyles in real life and stuff. And about sharks.. of course. He's like a walking shark encycleopedia. he's coming on special event on friday at work.. haha there I go talking about work again...

So Friday was Canada day and me and all my girl cousins went downtown with Thersa and Suzy from Boston. It was freaking amazing. I drank soo much and never got hung over or anything. In a nutshell the night consisted of discussing out sex lives, almost having a porn star try out and dancing on tables with my God mother. And lets not forget getting an old man tossed out of the sundance fresh prince/Jazz style. word to the wise guys. Never lay your hands on a girl and have her scream no next to a bouncer downtown. LOL I had such an amazing night with them. I never really hang out with my family and it was just really super cool, we decided we were all going to go to Boston for thersa's 40th birthday in 3 years. So i'll be 21 then! woo

Other than That i've been rehersing for Birdcage for two weeks now. Thats going to be cool. I'm doing vocals. I'm a bit nervous as I swore after prom i'd never sing in public again But i hope i do well and get through it. Like i've said before i don't care what part I have as long as i get to be a part in the production. Dead Pan Alley is just filled with great people and good times. And not to forget Don trying to get me to give him the clap. God I love that man! haha also been making time for my most awesome girls. HOw I love them! and hanging out with my husband too. Yeah life is going good.

Anyhoo thats about all I have to say. I really should get to bed as i'm going to work at 8:00 tomorrow... hehe Night Night you gorgeous people you!

Peace and Blessings

A quote to live by

Some people always ask me of why I'm so accepting of things that happen to me. I just found this quote and it explains perfectly how I like live. I thought I should share.

"Maybe mistakes are what make our fate... without them what would shape our lives? Maybe if we had never veered off course we wouldn't fall in love, have babies, or be who we are. After all things change, so do cities, people come into your life and they go. But it's comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart... and if you're very lucky, a plane ride away" - Sex & The City

This is my new Rec Centre Shirt. I'm so freaking cool. :) Just thought I'd show ya'll!! hehe

So I had a pretty awesome last night. Me , Ash, Kayla, Adam and Jason all went out on an adventure. We went to the Kilbride Pimp House and we found a big sign that said Happy 46th Birthday Rhonda. When i get those developed i'll have to post that. Its pretty sweet. This Adam dude that hung out with us is one pretty cool chick. I enjoy him.. Kayla.. DO HIM DO HIM! Haha and we can drop Ash off to fuck Steven too. haha Fun times. I love my girls with all of my heart. You guys are super!

So tomorrow is also the first offical day of Day Camp. I'd be lying if i said I wasn't nervous. I mean if anything goes wrong.. i'll cry. haha but i don't foresee that happening. I have a pretty simple day planned. so finger crossed for me. anyway.. I don't really have much more to say. oooh wait yes I do. If any of my staff are reading this you guys really impressed me yesterday! You're awesome! Its gonna be a great summer if yesterday was any indication :-)

Haha That is all

Peace and Blessings



COMMENT!!

Another awesome day.

Reason #27 as to why I love my job : today I spent 5 hours of my 8 hour shift shopping.
It was such a beautiful sunny day out. If only my head wasnt so cloudy today would have been perfect *sigh*.. I told you the happiness wouldn't last long in that aspect of my life.. but meh.. I'm dealing a whole lot better.. I love everything else thats going on with me. Talking to Ashleigh about my issues today she said something that absolutely shocked me. She said that Ricardo and I need to get back together.. news to me.. I thought she didn't like him. Not likes its possible anyway .. or that I even want to. Just a shock to hear it coming from her.
So camp starts next week. That should be fun. We have our staff training on thursday so i get to spend all day preparing for that tomorrow. Should be fun times.
I dont really have much more to write.

Peace and Blessings :)

My weekend off!

So I finally had a weekend off.. and what a super-duper awesome weekend I had.

Friday night I went to Jasons house and hung out for a bit. It was super. I love hanging out with him :)

Saturday me and Ashleigh went shopping alllll day .. I mean from like 12 until 6. I got the most hot outfit ever. Like I look freaking retardedly wicked. I wanted some alone time with myself hardcore. Then saturday night I had my first date with my husband. Had a great time and saw a great movie. I wanted to pee myself it was soo funny.. but I didn't think that was proper first date manners.. you know? Good times all around :)

Today ( sunday) I went to the price club and future shop with my mommy and daddy and i ended up buying a new freaking computer. Like i wasn't even planning on it. Its awesome though. I can finally do stuff. My old one was bad... so very very bad. Sooooo happy to have this one!

So that was my awesome weekend. Soooo glad I got a few days off to chill and socialize. Can't wait until Canada day molson big birthday bash! Yay! my cousins from boston are coming up for it! tis gonna be super!! awww drunkeness.. how I miss you. I've been very well behaved as of late though so yay for me. I've just learned that i've been pretty reckless in the past year. Time for me to smarten up me thinks. too much drama and bullshit. I'm too good for that. anyhoo .. bed time work in the AM..

Peace and Blessings :)

Wow. Busy busy busy.

Its been a week since I've updated again. Been absolutely crazy with my job. Not that I'm complaining. I abso-freaking-lutely love my job. Like I look forward to going to work. :) *sigh* I can't believe I'm actually starting to be happy again... I wonder what I'm gonna screw up this time... wait for it.
I really wish I had something exciting to write about. But since last week i've worked everyday. Had first aid training the weekend. Umm went to a party on friday night. My husband ( Jason) actually came to the Goulds with me! I was super duper excited. Umm saturday night i went out to Jasons. Sunday had first aid Training again. then back to my 9-5 on monday.
Last night me and ash and kayla went out driving around with my video camera. It was Kinda funny. I also went to get the Hippo that Jason got for me ( which he insists on calling Rhonda.. kind of insulted I am ) We got some pretty funny video.. haha Kidney Fuck... we also found Osama Bin Laden. It was an awesome night. I'm getting a new lap top in a few weeks time and i'm gonna have all the video editing software for it so i'm gonna make a dvd documentary of our summer, its gonna be awesome :)
Anyhoo thats really all I have to say!
Peace and Blessings :)

Wow.Rhonda is one busy chick.

I know I say this a lot, but I freaking love my job. I have almost 7 weeks of my 9 week day camp planned in less than 3 days! wooo go me. under budget none the less. This is kind of a smaller scale of what I want to do with my life. I want to be PR. Organizing events. overseeing volunteers and staff. That kind of thing. I think its soooo awesome. I spent all afternoon in a meeting with the city staff who are basically doing the same job as me at other camps. not a fan of the city. I'm really glad our program is run seperate. I swear I wouldn't be able to tolerate most of those girls I met out there today. Holy sterotypical cheerleaders batman. I mean I'm pretty Bubbly.. but they were just tooo much. And I spent tonight doing up staff schedules. I'm not even on the clock. I love it.

The only down side to my job is my lack of free time right now. I worked 9-5 all this week, Saturday and sunday i have to do my first aid training from 9-5 . then 9-5 monday to friday again. Saturday we're preping for staff training then sunday is staff training and then another week of 9-5. I mean thats pretty hardcore right there. However when the summer programs actually start I'll have my weekends free again which isn't so bad. I won't complain about the money i'm making. 3 more weeks to a new laptop! woo . I'm sick of this stupid piece of crap.

So since my life has been pretty much work lately thats all I really have to write about. I have a feeling you'll be hearing a lot about my job over the next three months.

Peace and Blessings...


P.S Someone comment. I wanna know someone is still alive out there.

My freaking busy week has prevented this entry.

So I've been itching all week to write this entry.. so finally on friday i get the few minutes to sit down and write about my most amazing Monday AND tuesday with Terry. all I can say is *huge smile* wow. I haven't felt that great and had that much fin in awhile. I felt dare I say.. happy? However as I always say if something seems too good to be true.. it is. Terry went back to corner brook on thursday when I went to Lav Rock. I had the most amazing time though. Thank you Terry.

I had one heck of a week. work work work Lavrock work. Lav Rock was awesome. Had such a great time and such pretty weather. I can't complain. It was really a lil relaxing that I needed. Peer counsellors are always such awesome people. so easy to talk to and the like. I also offically hired my staff tonight. so it should be a good summer i hope. i'd like to think i made all the right choices when it came to the staff i picked. However there was one person I REALLLLLLLLY wanted on staff that i just couldn't get.. and that makes me sad. But I only got nine staff and I had ten that i wanted so someone had to get cut :( makes my little heart cry.

so I'm tired. I'm gonna go collapse and die for a bit


Peace and Blessings.

This weekend.

So thursday Night I started interveiwing for my summer staff. Its gonna be hard to chose thats for sure. soo many good interveiws. I hope the summer goes well. i don't want to let down the Board after all they've done for me.

Friday was the opening night for "The Angry 12" Opening night wasnt all that great. But what can you do. we all went out to Subway afterwards. It was awesome. Don gave me roses too. God love him. that man is awesome! he's soo sweet! I'm going to keep him :)

Last night I was in the show. It went excellent. It was at Rabbittown theatre. It took us a lil while to find it haha but when we did it was great. What a cute lil spot. We filled the house and the audience loooved it. Then we went to Jungle JIms afterwards. Everyone was just completely foolish. Poor Janet got picked on soo much. The cast went to Don's afterwards but i was soo damn tired I just had to go home and go to sleep. I slept almost 12 hours. it was awesome.

Today I'm just kind of chillin anfd taking it east. Tomorrow I have a big day ahead of me! hehe I get to hang out with Terry ! I'm soooooo excited! sooooooo sooooo sooooooooooooooooo excited!! hehe I don't think i'll be able to sleep tonight! i just can't wait. then tuesday I have to work at both of my jobs lol I have to go to the school then go to the rec centre for registration then home for supper then back to do more interveiws.. awesome. LOL i'm kinda looking forward to wednesday. heheas much as i'm looking forward to tomorrow though ehe

Saturday I also made a very very smart choice as far as I'm concerned. Said person is prolly reading this. I made the right choice. I gave you enouh chance to right the wrongs you made. No more chances. There will be nothing between us.. ever. You brought it on yourself and I feel sorry for you. I was right. You have a lot of growing up to do.

Peace and Blessings

Gone - Kelly Clarkson

I was telling someone about this song the other day. So I thought I would post it so he could get a good look at it.

"Gone"

What you see's not what you get

With you there's just no measurement

No way to tell what's real from what isn't there

Your eyes they sparkle

That's all changed into lies that drop like acid rain

You washed away the best of me

You don't care

You know you did it

I'm gone

To find someone to live forIn this world

There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight

Just a bridge that I gotta burn

You're wrong

If you think you can walk right through my door

That is just so you

Coming back when I've finally moved on

I'm already gone

Sometimes shattered

Never open

Nothing matters

When you're broken

That was me whenever I was with you

Always ending

Always over

Back and forth, up and down like a rollercoaster

I am breaking

That habit

Today

You know you did it

I'm gone

To find someone to live forIn this world

There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight

Just a bridge that I gotta burn

You're wrong

If you think you can walk right through my door

That is just so you

Coming back when I've finally moved on

I'm already gone

There is nothing you can say

Sorry doesn't cut it, babe

Take the hint and walk away

'Cause I'm gone

Doesn't matter what you do

It's what you did that's hurting you

All I needed was the truth

Now I'm gone

What you see's not what you get

What you see's not what you get

You know you did it

I'm gone

To find someone to live forIn this world

There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight

Just a bridge that I gotta burn

You're wrong

If you think you can walk right through my door

That is just so you

Coming back when I've finally moved on

I'm already gone

I'm already gone

Oh, I'm already gone, gone, gone, gone

Already gone

I'm gone

New job.. again. lol

Well its been a week since I've updated so I thought I would just write a little something. I got hired on as the Day Camp Coordinator at the rec centre. Which just basically means I plan and manage the day camp program. I have my own staff of approx 10. How awesome is that. I start to interveiw and hire them on thursday :) so thats pretty cool.

My show is also on saturday night, at Rabbittown theatre at 7:30... I sure hope I can find the place. My parents aren't even going. there is a masterless men concert in here that night. oh well. i'm not torn up about it or anything.

Umm, what else can I tell you? May 24th was a let down. I did diddly squat. Not that I would have gone camping had i gotten the chance.. I'm not really the camping type.. as you can imagne. I don't see the appeal of waking up outside.. dirty.. freezing.. stinky.. and enjoying it... meh..

I did however get engaged. Jason asked me to marry him and I accepted. Jason is one of the nicest most sweetest most caring guys I know. I'm lucky to have such a great hubby :) Last night I showed him all the wedding plans.. but he told me i could only have one kid.. as opposed to the four I had planned on.. however I shouldn't argue because I finally found someone who's willing to put up with me.. its not something i should mess with. we discussed this after our wonderful night parking on signal hill... with Kayla LOL

so thats about all I have to say.. i'm pretty sure i'm forgetting something but I'll blog about it later if i remember.

Peace and blessings.