The week from hell.

I've had the worst week imaginable. There are certain things you never want to hear when you're working with Children and i'm pretty sure I've heard every one of them this week. For legal reasons I can't go into detail here , or with anyone really and that really eats me up inside. Its just one of those things you want to tell people and it it off your chest but you know you can't. And its just eating me from the inside out. in my four years at this job I haven't heard anything remotely like what i heard this week. Its tough. I'm nineteen years old with all this responsibility and i really have to strive to prove myself. Being a perfectionist is stressful. I am not complaining about my job. I love my job I just dislike the circumstances under which I had to work this week, and My relaxing weekend isn't really working out to be all that relaxing at all. I really cant wait to get back to school. At least I know I'm good at school and I only have myself to please or displease. At work there are just so many people breathing down my neck and depending on me. Its crazy. I love it but its getting to me a little. Thankfully I have wednesday off and I decided to take thursday morning off as well. I'm gonna go out wednesday night after the regatta and have a good time. I need to just stop thinking about work and the other stresser in my life just for a lil while and focus on having a good time. not thinking about what I have to do tomorrow at work .
Besides work there really isn't much else for me to talk about. As you have probably gathered it almost consumes my life. the only other tidbit I can think to mention is that painted my room really bnright pink this week, thats pretty hardcore. So i'm off to find something to do. A word to the wise: Redbull before bed is never a good idea.

Peace and Blessings

Remember when..

I used to use this blog thing to talk about how insanely happy I was and how I had not a care in the world.. *sigh* how those were the days.. I talked, earlier in a BK journal entry, about how i didn't understand how I could be so drastically different from high school and still feel like the exact same person. In high school I felt ingnored and rejected from most people, aside from my small group of friends, now its like everyone has some use for me and needs me to be there for them right now. I have so many people pulling me in so many different directions all the time and I really have no idea which way to go. I'm begining to think most of my goals I have set for my sel, i'm not going to be able to obtain. So what do I do? The easiest way is not always the best way, I know, but is it ok for me to take the easy way out once in my life? just not prevent myself from further complicating my situations. Just go with the flow and hope everything works out? or should I continue to fight for what I truly want like I always do and most likely end up disappointed and hurt? I know I'm strong. I am a very strong person. I never would have gotten through half of the things I did without being strong, but it was only one straw that broke the camels back, right? how do I know it won't be the next one that does it for me? Life really terrifys me. Why is life so full of impossible questions... "whats the meaning of life?".." Why don't you love me anymore?"

Peace and Blessings

Changes

I'm not suposed to be scared of anything, but I don't know where I am
I wish that I could move but I'm exhausted and nobody understands
(how I feel) I'm trying hard to breathe now but there's no air in my lungs
There's no one here to talk to and the pain inside is making me numb
I try to hold this Under control They can't help me 'Cause no one knows
Now I'm going through changes, changes God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me Now I'm going through changes, changes
I'm feeling weak and weary walking through this world alone
Everything you say, every word of it, cuts me to the bone
I've got something to say, but now I've got no where to turn
It feel like I've been buried underneath all the weight of the world
I try to hold this Under control They can't help me 'Cause no one knows
Now I'm going through changes, changes God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me Now I'm going through changes, changes
I'm blind and shakin'Bound and breaking
I hope I make it through all these changes
Now I'm going through changes, changes God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm falling apart, now I feel it Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately When I get suffocated,
I hate this But I'm going through changes, changes

Exasperated. Yeah thats right, Aaron.

It takes so much out of me just to be me. My job is awesome but I constantly worry about work. All of the time. If you hadn't noticed I just can't leave work at work at all. And then I have all of these people who want so much from me. So much that I just can't give right now. I've spent the last 5 years of my life constantly worried about another person, is it really so much to ask to want to focus on me for a little while?
This being alone thing is so new to me. It really is. I just don't know how to deal with it and its really taking a lot out of me. I've been seeing someone since right afer boys stopped being gross and now i'm alone for the very first time. Its a scary world to face alone. Its a good thing that I'm doing it because it really is something that everyone should experience, but how much can i take before i crumple and have no one to lean on. its all so very confusing to me. I just wish I knew what I wanted so i could please people and start being me again. I haven't felt like myself in months. I just wish i could get away from everything for awhile. go do something fun and exciting. I'm just feeling so much pressure from everyone. I feel like i'm letting people down and disappointing everyone. I miss the happy hyper Rhonda too but she's scared to come out and get hurt again I think ... *sigh*

*sings*

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony this life
Trying to make ends meet, you're a slave to the money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet, yeah
No change, I can't change, I can't change, I can't change, but I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold But I'm a million different people from one day to the next
I can't change my mold, no, no, no, no, no
Well, I've never prayed, But tonight I'm on my knees, yeahI
need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah I let the melody shine,
let it cleanse my mind , I feel free now But the airwaves are clean
and there's nobody singing to me now
No change, I can't change, I can't change, I can't change,
but I'm here in my mold , I am here with my mold

Just a quote..

..a friend of mine had on their AOL away message. Thought I'd post it.

Just when you think you have life all figured out, something or someone comes along and turns it upside down. you cant ignore it, even if its just this feeling. if u try to it will eat away at everything you hold dear to you. you have to face it head on, dont run from it. embrace feelings that scare you and never forget your prolly not the only one who is scared....

Blast from the past.

So here I was reading through some of my old stuff on blue Kaffee and I find a post I made back in february on a serisou discussion topis on "are you truly happy".. this is what I had to say

oddly enough i am perfectly happy. For the first time , in a long time, i feel like i am in control of my own destiny. I am thinking and acting solely for myself, I know that sounds selfish , but for me its a rare occurance. I find myself constantly smiling about nothing and have discovered a new confidence i didn't even know i had. I have the most wonderful boyfriend i could ever ask for who loves me and makes sure everyday he tells me just how amazing he thinks i am and how beautiful I am. I have the most wonderful friends a girl could ask for.. who see my faults and accept them and love me anyway. My family are absolutely amazing as of late and are being really supportive of the decisions i have made over the past few months. Yep life is incredible :)

So its amazing how things change so fast huh? not that i'm not really happy, just that i'm not near as happy as i was nor could be.

So I had a pretty crappy week. I got next to no work donw this week due to some unfortunate events that happened during the week that placed me under a pile of paper work. On the whole though work has been going good, been questioning my leadership capablities though. I hope i'm doing a good job .. :(.

I saw willy wonka last night. I have to say I really liked it. It was excellent. I went with jason :) it was good times. I'm going out to supper with the girls tonight. that should be great. Love my girls. I can always rely on them to make me happy :) Anyway i'm out

Peace and Blessings

THIS is a song I wrote myself

The letter from you to me

Dear Past love
I’m just writing to say
Its time for you to get over me
I never really loved you anyway
However
I didn’t mean to cause you pain
I didn’t mean for it to hurt
It was all a joke
I didn’t think it would bother you
To feel your heart so broke

Because you won’t tell me
I’m writing a letter from you
I need to know now baby
If anything you said was true
I told you there wasn’t
Much more pain I could take
Did you think it wouldn’t hurt
When you made my heart break?

I know I said I loved you
It was just for fun
How else could I convince you
That you might have been the one?
I told you that your beauty
Could never even compare
Ok so I made that up
I barely even noticed you there

Because you won’t tell me
I’m writing a letter from you
I need to know now baby
If anything you said was true
I told you there wasn’t
Much more pain I could take
Did you think it wouldn’t hurt
When you made my heart break?

So I’m sorry I felt nothing
And made you feel it all
It was my plan all long
To make you trip and fall
You’re a nice girl
You’re funny you make me laugh
But that’s too bad
Regards, The Lover From The Past

Because you won’t tell me
I’m writing a letter from you
I need to know now baby
If anything you said was true
I told you there wasn’t
Much more pain I could take
Did you think it wouldn’t hurt
When you made my heart break?

Did you think it wouldn’t hurt
When you made my Heart break?

And the beat goes on..

"Missing Me"

I love the way it feels when you touch my hand

Don't wanna let you go

I love the way you say that I am the one

Don't understand why we can't go on and go on

Don't understand why

You don't belong in my arms

Ohh

And even if I cried a thousand tears tonight

Would you come back to me

And even if I walked on the water

Would you come out to sea

Now I can't spend my life standing by

Cause even when I miss you

You're still not missing me

It's funny how my heart just won't let it go

I just don't understand

It's crazy how the pain seems to overflow

The memories of you here with me by my side

I can't deny that you are the love of my life

OhhAnd even if I cried a thousand tears tonight

Would you come back to me

And even if I walked on the water

Would you come out to sea

Now I can't spend my life standing by

Cause even when I miss you

You're still not missing me

And I still cry for you

And I would die for you

I can't believe all the words I heard you say

And I still long for you

And I was strong for you

I can't believe that you'd throw it all away

I still cry for youI would die for you

I can't believe all the words I heard you say

I still long for youI was strong for you

I can't believe that you'd throw it all away

And even if I cried a thousand tears tonight

Would you come back to me

And even if I walked on the water

Would you come out to sea

Now I can't spend my life standing by

Cause even when I miss you

You're still not missing me

I still cry for you

I would die for you

I can't believe all the words I heard you say

I still long for youI was strong for you

I can't believe that you'd throw it all away

Now I can't spend my life standing by

Cause even when I miss you

You're still not missing me

*le sigh* someone comment to cheer me up

My week with Connor

So Connor went home yesterday :( I'm going to miss him soo much. I love that kid. He came to work with me on friday and he had soo much fun. Sitting by me on the bus he told all about what he was gonna do with me next time i went to Boston.. take me to the zoo, back to the aquarium to see the SHARKS, to six flags and of course he said shopping for shoes. We went out for chinese food on friday night too. We had an amazing time. Then yesterday morning he called me. He told me he was going to miss me and i told hm i would miss him more. then we started to argue which ended up with him threatening to come over and squat me. He asked me if I could mail myself to Boston :( I promised him though i;d be down by the time he was 8 ( that makes me 21 ;) ) Anyway I'm getting yelled at to go get a shower now so i'll update about the rest of my week later.

A bit of a long winded one tonight..

So a lot has happened in the last week. Its been pretty freaking awesome overall.

First off camp started and its been going really really well. A few minor hitches but i mean thats to be expected when running any buisness. The kids are enjoying it, the parents are pleased and my programming has been running smoothly. I haven't been getting to go as many places with the kids, but thats ok because i really enjoy the people i work with, so when the kids are gone i get to talk to Brenda or Nicole usually and they're cool chicks. PJ was right this job is awesome. Wow, I'm talking about my job lately as much as I used to talk about Ricardo before. Haha BUt i get money for this so its better :-P Sorry!

So also my family from Boston came on thursday. I got to see my little man on friday (Conner) God I love that kid. He's just soo amazing and soo smart. I've never met a kid so smart in my life. He was over tonight and we watched Gargoyles! he was telling me all this stuff about why people had gargoyles in real life and stuff. And about sharks.. of course. He's like a walking shark encycleopedia. he's coming on special event on friday at work.. haha there I go talking about work again...

So Friday was Canada day and me and all my girl cousins went downtown with Thersa and Suzy from Boston. It was freaking amazing. I drank soo much and never got hung over or anything. In a nutshell the night consisted of discussing out sex lives, almost having a porn star try out and dancing on tables with my God mother. And lets not forget getting an old man tossed out of the sundance fresh prince/Jazz style. word to the wise guys. Never lay your hands on a girl and have her scream no next to a bouncer downtown. LOL I had such an amazing night with them. I never really hang out with my family and it was just really super cool, we decided we were all going to go to Boston for thersa's 40th birthday in 3 years. So i'll be 21 then! woo

Other than That i've been rehersing for Birdcage for two weeks now. Thats going to be cool. I'm doing vocals. I'm a bit nervous as I swore after prom i'd never sing in public again But i hope i do well and get through it. Like i've said before i don't care what part I have as long as i get to be a part in the production. Dead Pan Alley is just filled with great people and good times. And not to forget Don trying to get me to give him the clap. God I love that man! haha also been making time for my most awesome girls. HOw I love them! and hanging out with my husband too. Yeah life is going good.

Anyhoo thats about all I have to say. I really should get to bed as i'm going to work at 8:00 tomorrow... hehe Night Night you gorgeous people you!

Peace and Blessings